“I want to live, work…” – Letters from Sarajevo, Croatia and Germany 1992 – 1996 (Part 2)
It has been 22 years since the war in Bosnia began with the first casualties in Sarajevo. In the 1425 days that followed, life in the besieged city was dominated by death and survival. I was 16 years old at the time. The years of war in my home country were characterized by hope and fear for my family, relatives and friends. I spent my days waiting for a sign of life. Every phone call and every letter from my friends in Bosnia gave me strength. (More on this under Part 1.)
Even 22 years after the war, I am still moved by photos from the Balkan war and I can hardly grasp what is depicted in them. If I hadn’t received letters from friends and made phone calls to relatives, I would have found it difficult to grasp or even believe what happened. They say it’s not good to dwell on the negative past. You should let the past rest and focus on the present and a good future. I agree with that. But all the authors of these letters, from which passages have been published, are happily married and proud parents today. They reflect the everyday life of the young wartime generation and how they came to terms with the terrible events that happened to them. My friends have found a way to leave the war past behind them. I think that the words of Nerma, Safija and Medina about their past should not be silenced. They should serve as a warning so that this past is not repeated, anywhere and never again. And they have given me one thing that I would like to pass on: hate leads to nothing, only love and tolerance can create a happy life.
1992, Letters from Nerma from Zaostrog/Croatia
…I had to leave my house because I could no longer bear what was happening in Hrasnica (a district of Sarajevo). Grenades in the morning until the evening, staying in cellars all the time, without electricity or water. I had a lot of time to think about many things. Sometimes I wondered if you even remembered me. I think you do remember me. I have to give you some sad news right away. I have lost a very good friend and it is your good friend too. ALE. I can’t tell you how sorry I am about him. I was still in Sarajevo and there was an attack. He was probably also on the line and died that way. His heart was burst by the blast. Now I remember him every day. Now I’m in Zaostrog (Croatia) and I’ve heard that Sedin was also killed. However, a friend visited me a few days ago and told me that Sedin had fled to Germany, but that he didn’t know if he had arrived there. If you know the address of his relatives in Stuttgart (apparently that’s the name of the city), please send it to me with the next letter. Now I pray to God that he is still alive….
…I’m gradually getting used to sleeping peacefully and not thinking about the grenades. A few days ago, friends visited us. One of them is a great optimist and he says that it will all be over soon… I pray to God that all this will pass quickly. I can’t get Ale out of my head. He was so sweet, he wasn’t wrong, which is a rarity. The only thing I can do for him now is to pray for his happiness in the other world. I do that every day now. I hope this will all be over soon…
…I only have worries here. My soul is not completely with me. 1/3 is with my family in Sarajevo, 1/3 with my father and my cousins in Hrasnica and 1/3 is with me. I look at photos of the city, i.e. the ruins of Sarajevo. It is a city of death, disease and hunger. Whoever comes from there or sends a letter via UNPROFOR says that it is terrifying there. How can I stay calm here? You write that your cousins are with you. I thank God that they are healthy and alive. What I would give for my family to be with me. I’m expecting my father, I’m so worried about him… …I still haven’t heard from Sedin…
Sedin contacted my family shortly afterwards. I wrote to my friend Nerma that she no longer needed to worry about him. He and his family had fled to relatives in Germany.
…If only you knew how happy you made me with the news that Sedin is safe with his family. I wondered all the time what was wrong with him. He was my best friend, with whom I could talk about everything. I received a letter from Sarajevo from my relatives. Sarajevo is hell, it’s chaos, there’s no food, no electricity, no water and it’s cold. My cousins, who are now in first grade, wrote to me that they are thirsty because they have no water and that I should send them some. How I would want to send them something if only the opportunity would allow it. I cried without end. My cousin and my aunt’s brother-in-law were injured, but they’re fine now…
Early 1993, letter from Sedin in Germany:
…Since I left Hrasnica, my life has changed completely. When I arrived in Germany, I barricaded myself in a room and didn’t want any contact with anyone. I spent all my time thinking about Hrasnica and my friends. After a while, I decided to get in touch with you after all. Then you told me about ALE’s death. At that moment I lost myself and didn’t know what to say. After our phone call, I went home and cried like a madman. ALE was like a brother to me. In some moments I regretted that I had contacted you, because I was confronted with the worst news of my life. ALE and I got on so well. We spent all that time together. Our close friendship was separated by a stupid war and ended forever by a grenade. He had to give up his life in his prime. And I stayed alive and have to live with the grief. He died in an action that I should have taken part in too. We were supposed to liberate the fucking FAMOS (factory site) – please excuse the language. A few times we woke up together at three o’clock in the morning to say goodbye to our parents to go to the front. Whenever we were supposed to march off, the commander would whistle us back because there would be no attack after all. I was happy and sad about it. Happy because my parents and my brother didn’t want me to take part in this action and sad because I finally wanted to see it through. These cancellations were a war of nerves. Once you have decided to go and say goodbye to your family and friends, the fear of death disappears. You then don’t care whether you survive or die. If it is interrupted, then the fear comes back. I left Hrasnica about 15 days before ALE was killed. When you told me about his death, I didn’t feel like living anymore. I wished I would never go back to Hrasnica, because I didn’t have a friend like him there… I slowly began to realize that life is important and that success in life is important. I realized that I had to live no matter what happened to me in life. Then I decided to avenge ALE. But then I got away from that thought, because about 150,000 people lost their lives in Bosnia. If everyone wanted to avenge their dead, this war would never end. Now I wish that this war will end soon and that I can see Hrasnica and my friends again soon. I want to live, work and achieve something…
Nerma and Sedin were 16 and 17 years old when they wrote me these letters. ALE died at the age of 17.
(end of part 2)
